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Question What Is The Best Way to Discipline Disrespectful Kids? (Posted by: Anonymous )

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If you are the parent of a disrespectful child, it is often difficult not to take his or her disrespectful behavior personally. However, the best way to discipline disrespectful kids is to do it calmly. You should not let anger, hurt feelings or other strong emotions interfere with disciplining your child appropriately. Let the child's words and any hurt feelings of your own flow over and past you. Maintain a calm center.

It is easy to become upset. Sometimes a child's behavior is so egregious that parents might fear that the child no longer loves them. This is almost certainly not the case. In fact, when a child or teenager shouts, "I hate you," or calls his parent names, it is merely a method of venting anger. This behavior is natural, because children have not yet developed the coping skills required to deal with rage, frustration, or other strong emotions. Expressing these feelings verbally is often the only coping mechanism available to a young person, and it is certainly more acceptable than outright violence.

When you are faced with name-calling and hateful words, do not succumb to despair that your child despises you. Simply remember the many times you have become enraged and exhibited the same behavior, shouted angry words, or hurled nasty epithets at someone you love. How many times have you said something hurtful and regretted it later? How many times have you said, "I hate you," (and meant it, at the time) only to find that when your anger had passed, that the love had returned. This will be true for your child, as well.

Therefore, before you allow hurt or anger to push you away from your calm center, just remember that your child is just that: a child. Children and teenagers are not fully developed emotionally. They are impulsive, and much less capable of controlling themselves than an adult. Of course they will make mistakes. They will do and say things that they regret. Do not let their immaturity cause you to behave childishly, as well.

Moreover, even if you do allow yourself to feel hurt or angry, do not let that become the focus of your discipline. The situation is not about you or your wounded feelings. It is about providing guidance for your child.

At the opposite end of the spectrum, you must also not permit disrespectful behavior, as some parents do, simply because the child is expressing authentic feelings, or because the child makes a good argumentative point. You must separate whatever valid content is contained within the child's rant from the unacceptable behavior that accompanies it. Then you should immediately respond to the behavior and tell your child that it is not acceptable.

It is best if you do not try to order the child around, or tell him what he may or may not do. In other words, do not say, "You cannot speak to me that way!" This often backfires when tempers are hot, and such comments can enflame a child to further rebellion and greater disrespect. Instead say, "I won't listen to you when you speak to me that way," and then turn away. Never engage in shouting matches. Simply disengage, walk away, stop the car, etc. This lets the child know that they cannot accomplish what they wanted through disrespectful speech.

It is important that you should also model the type of behavior you expect of your child. This means that you should only speak to the child in ways that are calm and respectful, and that you should only accept that kind of communication in return. Likewise, you should never speak in terms that are disrespectful, outraged, or abusive, and you should never accept abusive behavior in return.

The best way to discipline disrespectful kids is, essentially, to treat them with respect and insist they do the same for you. If you can follow these suggestions, you will find yourself engaged in far fewer shouting matches or anger-fueled contests of will. Also, our child's disrespectful behavior will steadily dissipate as he realizes you will not respond to it, and that such behavior serves only to end negotiations.

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Very helpful made me realize I'm doing everything I think is right but is totally wrong thank you!! By Shannon on 04-04-13 at 07:27pm
By Anonymous on 04-04-13 at 07:28pm
These things don't work. As a whole society has no respect for anyone or anything anymore. People are too far apart in thinking payterns in today's society. Children are children not adults. By Anonymous on 20-05-13 at 10:26pm
The author's statement "The best way to discipline disrespectful kids is to treat them with respect and insist they do the same for you" is a very good overall view of dealing with this problem. Dr. Rutherford a Clinical Psychologist talks about the importance of helping the child become conscious of what she's doing by asking her "Do you hear yourself? What do you hear" as a simple method to help her consciously recognize what she doing. She advises that this is the first step in dealing with a difficult problem. By Molly Skyar on 23-12-13 at 12:41pm
Not very helpful. When your child flips you off, you don't simply walk away. There have to be consequences. The question is what is a good consequence???? Grounding doesn't work.....and there continues to be an attitude that everyone else is to blame. By Anonymous on 30-07-14 at 02:53pm
Good old fashioned punishment: Send the child to his/her room without their electronic devices; No music, No TV, No Phone and No gaming systems. Books or complete silence are the only options. The child will emerge and apologize for his/her behavior eventually. Repeat as necessary. Do not waiver. Eventually it will get through to the child that you no longer tolerate such behavior. By Cwc on 04-09-14 at 07:54pm
This is all nice in a text book sense but in the real world, you have a teenager with raging hormones that will not accept responsibility for their actions. I stop any and all special favors like telephones, computer/internet, activities, until I get an apology. Sometimes it is not for days but I get it and the behavior improves until they make a bad choice again. I start the cycle again. I recently went through this after being asked what the F? We were in the parking lot of a local grocer to pick up supplies to make something for class. I got a text from work and paused to answer it. That's when the bomb was dropped. I immediately closed my door, started the car, and put it into drive. The choice was get in or walk home. Needless to say, there was no class treat and embarrassment will be a good way to spark reflection of what went wrong. I didn't get an apology for two days but activities were missed. Consequences to actions and poor judgment. No Ms's nice parent, I will treat you like I want to be treated. It simply does not work. By Anonymous on 30-10-14 at 01:32pm
Mine 15 year old son is so disrespectful! He is grounded now because he was yelling at me! He yelled at me over a $
drink that his 4 year old sister drank that was his! And I told him not to be yelling at me or he would get in trouble and be grounded and then he yelled "I don't care ground me"! So I did! I grounded him from his xbox and from driving because he loves those two things! I did get own to his sister for drinking his drink, but my grandmother says I did my son wrong!! She takes up for him! Now because he is grounded from his xbox he wants to stay at my grandmothers house! Because over there he has no rules and she still lets him drive even though he is suppose to be grounded from it! He thinks that he will just stay at her house until he gets ungrounded!! What advice does anyone have on this situation? By Anonymous on 17-12-14 at 01:54pm
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